made of honor

its 5:02 am ,
i just watched a movie, Made of Honor , starring patrick dempsey and michelle monaghan.
a good movie, but a bit corny.

well, the movie made me realized something, choice.
choice about our life, who'd u be with, u marry with and live with.
dont marry a guy/girl just because u wanna get married. marry them because you love them all your heart, and willing to give and take everything, for the rest of your life, without a doubt or string attached.

its probably the right time for watching it, considering what im feeling right now.

i feel stupid, and tired. mostly tired.
im tired of being nice to others, being a nice guy, nice friend, or being nice in everything.

for the last 2 months, i've said to myself, to be nice, and be a good guy. give her a chance.
but i dont think i can handle this anymore.
its probably me, not her.

i know im not a master in relationship whatsoeva, but i know, basic rule in relationship is , you gotta be there whenever your partner needs you, whatever you do.

she made me realized that, i dont really need her. (i hope she can prove that im wrong after this)
and she also doesnt really needs me. well, she needs me when she needs help.yea she'll call and sms or msg so many many times, but hey i dont mind.
i'll answer them as good as i can, even if im falling from a plane or dying from a car crash.

i wont let my partner down. and even if i cant answer it, i'll do my best to answer it later.

but, when i need her, when i call her, mostly when she's into something or went somewhere,
she'll say she's busy. busy , busy.
and if i call more than 3 times, she'll ask me to chill out?
and she'll say that im a pushy. can u believe it?

i know nobody read this blog, not even her. she wouldn't care much .
i think i should probably go back and be me again, as what i were before. as cold as stone. heartless.

i dont need anyone, that only needs me whenever she wanted.
if somebody waited for me , on my birthday night, in front of my house, with a cake, i would cry, and wont ask for anything else.

all these while, you said that i only sees your fault, not your kindness, but i think you're the one that doing it.

i hope you're happy and enjoy with your life now.
ignore what ive wrote (if you're reading this) . and continue to neglect me.
you dont need me.

im just writing what i felt. im sorry.

untitled

untitled.

is it wrong for me to ask,
is it wrong for me to care,
sometimes i just wanna share.

maybe you dont understand
how hard to be me
try to live in this shoes for a day
but i dont want you to feel that way

when you only have yourself
and nobody else
when your parents cant really help
and others are not really here

maybe,
the others leave me,
i hope you are not them
because i know you arent

is it wrong for me to ask,
is it wrong for me to care,
so if you dont want me to share
i'll understand

i will keep all inside this hollow heart
and hoping i can carry them through
until my time is up
they'll be buried inside with me

and when im gone that day
dont you worry about me
and dont be sorry,
my ma will be there
she would be listening to me everyday

until that day
time is not enough
for me to explain
why

im a loner child
was born alone
raised myself up
i will live, and keep living
until this over, be strong

is it wrong for me to ask,
is it wrong for me to care,
sometimes i just wanna share.

-fahmy, 1:31 PM 08 aug 08

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